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Archive for the ‘Fear’ Category

Holy Busy.

This weekend has been so hectic. I have not been able to even comprehend most of it. My mind has been running off in so many different directions, and I can’t seem to catch a single one.

I finally got the courage to call one of my dear friends and talk to them about some of the things that have been causing these snowballing thoughts. That was honestly probably one of the smartest things I could have done, because I was seriously about to snap. I have decided to accept the advice given, and all I have to say is give me strength.

One of my best fiends in the whole world got married on Saturday! I am very happy for both her and her husband. It is strange to think that people are strating to get married though. One friend last week, and another this week. Is time really passing by that quickly?

I also went to the club: The Run. It is always an interesting place, with even more intersting people. I have been going there since I have been fourteen. Doesn’t seem that bad of a thing to do, but the fact that it doesn’t open till one-thirty in the morning might be a little different. It was a good time though. I went with my friend Olivia and her second cousin twice removed (???) Ben. It was a good time, despite the fact that I had to make sure no drama was started between Olivia and another individual.

I will keep updates on how the advice that I was given is going…..

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Simple Overflow

Recently getting through my first year of college, I have come to find that I have been going through a deal of distress: the person I am and the person I remember.

Being back in the place where I grew up, the place that holds many memories, has caused the calming waters of my memory to stir. I left this place to escape what I had been. Being back I feel trapped once more. I feel bound by the ties of my past. Like they are nightmares reaching out in the night, forever haunting my very being. Nightmares that I have been trying to address for some time. I felt like being away from this place would help with these terrorizing nightmares. I felt as if I could start anew. I now find that some of that is true while the rest was foolish dreaming.

Being around specific individuals have reminded me of how horrid I used to be. Comments such as “How we ever tolerated you is beyond me,” or, “Remember when…” have been the single spark to ignite the flames; flames spreading quicker than wildfire. One specific terror that I feel like has caused a great deal of destruction is something that some will question. To those who don’t know, when I was a Junior in high school I was sexually battered, or raped to put it simply.

This terror I have not been able to talk about for sometime, now I can talk about it, however it is difficult, and even now I can feel the swelling in my chest as the tears start to build. That single memory seems to be on repeat in my mind, with no sign of where the stop button is. In that single moment I lost a myriad of things.

Ever since that night I have lost trust. Trust, the thing I wish I had, not only for those around me, but for myself. I have lost expectation. Any expectation of being something great. Since that night I have felt like a mere insignificant speck on the pavement. I’ve lost respect. Respect for myself in all manners. Ever since that night I have felt very alone. Even when I am in a crowd, I have felt alone. I feel like the inner me is still very frail.

The loss of these qualities have caused me to build up so much thought and emotion. This baggage builds up quite rapidly, and causes my breakdowns. these breakdowns, for whatever reason, cause me to feel vulnerable. I have a fear of being vulnerable. Even now I am shaking because of this fear. I do not want to let my guard down causing the infiltration of others, thus causing the pain that I have felt in years past.

I felt so alone for the longest time. Alone at a crossroads. It is hard for someone to feel like they are not alone when that person is not even at home in their own home, feeling like everyone can hear, but no one will listen. A lot of that changed when I left. The air changed, but the fear still remained. I refused to let people in, and still now, I have some refusal to let people in. It is still hard for me to trust people, and yet I have gotten so close to some, but am afraid of losing them, again.

I feel as if being here I am trapped, never to know who am. I left here searching for myself. Those travels have led me into the arms of some amazing people. People that I love dearly. People I could never forget even if I tried. To those people I say thank you. Thank you for existing. You mere existence has created happiness in my life, even for the shortest amounts of time. My love for you will remain.

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