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Archive for June, 2009

I went for a visit tonight. I went to visit my grandmother. It is very interesting that, even though it has been a year and three months, she is gone. I can still feel her energy, sort of like her spirit, for those who believe in spirits. It is as if she is watching me or guiding me or guarding me or something. Her presence still lingers. It makes me wonder if others in my family feel it too. Do they still think about her? Do they secretly visit her in the night too?

It is weird to talk about it. I am still sad, and in addition to that sadness I feel like I have gained something. Have I gained reality? Have I gained appreciation? Or am I imagining it all…shut out the pain and wrapped myself in cocoon of fantasy? I do not expect anyone else to have the answers to these questions, for no one can really know but me. It would be unfair and really ignorant of me to think that anyone but myself could honestly have the means of answering these questions. So goes life though.

I realize that many things I accomplish and do are because of her… as previously stated, I feel like she is guiding me through these situations. I also realize that I draw my inspiration from her, and at the same time, by losing her I lost security. I gain inspiration for I know that, if she still were here, she would be so proud of me. Proud for going out and making something of myself. Proud for having a mind for my own. Proud for being me.

Along with that inspiration comes a lack of security. I feel like when I lost her, I lost the person who always believed in me. The person who would have given anything to see me succeed. She went out of her way to see me in everything that I have ever done. Always there with a big smile on her face and tears in her eyes because she was so proud.

That day when I lost her, and I say I because it pertains specifically to how I feel, I remember thinking to myself, “It is going to happen. Be glad that you are here, and happy that she doesn’t have to suffer. You won’t cry, you will be fine.” There thoughts first occurred when I was pulled out of school by a very hysterical mother. It was probably the most earth shattering experience for me. I remember being in the room, and as they turned off the machine I was told to get the other family members. I went out and got them, and went back to the room…the second I walked in I saw the heart machine drastically dropping. I heard my brother yell “GRANDMA NO!!!” and he ran out of the room crying. I turned back around to witness my aunt Shelly hugging her husband and my mother grasping her, my grandmother’s, hand. I walked to my grandma’s other side and held her hand and stared into her eyes. I could feel it starting to come up. I tried to suppress it as much as I could… Beep……Beep……………Beep…………….Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

 I could feel her hand go limp and I knew that I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I started shaking and tried to control the flow from my eyes that seemed near impossible to manage. I let go and backed away until I hit a wall. Once I hit the wall I dropped to floor. I couldn’t handle it. She was finally gone. I sat there for a while…shaking…crying, until I felt someones arms wrap around me. It was my cousin. She had come over and was hugging me so tightly

I’ll never forget that day, those moments, or her. She is my biggest hero to this day. I feel as if she has changed me. Whether it is for the better or worse, it is yet to be decided. I feel like her release from the world was the most significant factor in finding who I was/am. Am I still unsure? To an extent yes. Does it matter so much anymore? No. With time I will find more of myself, and it isn’t like you will always know who you are. There is so much that you have yet to discover about yourself. So much you never realize.

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Is it sad that I feel happier at work than when I am at home? I mean is that normal? If not, then what the hell is wrong with me today. Not to mention that today was so freaking hot. It is a good thing I brought water, yes me actually drinking water. I was told that I have a great walk toda….what does that even mean? Compared to what do I have a great walk? Second day on the register was not bad at all. I am starting to get the hang of things, though it is still nerve racking when people spend over three thousand dollars and write it on a check. WHAT?!?! There are really three people who are making it really comfortable there right now. My COS Lynn, and my co-cashiers Jessica and Michelle. I find that it is easy to smile and laugh and be genuine to the customers when they are poking fun at me 😛

When I went on break though I had a minor sad moment. SYTYCD was on T.V. and I got really down when I started watching it. I had to leave the break room because I could feel me getting more sad. It brings up all my insecurities about my dancing…not to mention the workers are hounding me to dance for them…umm…no. I don’t know why, but I get uncomfortable. Like don’t get me wrong or anything, I LOVE dancing, like it is seriously my passion, but being ask to dance randomly, like outside of an audition or practice, or performance, I don’t know how to react. I feel like there is already this pressure on me to meet the expectations, and I don’t want to like be the person that has them say, well that wasn’t what I was expecting.

I am still having trouble sleeping. I feel like it is because of the constant battle of mind vs. heart. I don’t want to admit things that I should. I have been having terrible night mares….terrors that shake me awake, literally, in the middle of the night. Waking up in a cold sweat, shaking terribly with uncotrollable breathing. On many occasions I can’t walk because I am shaking so badly. I should probably see what is going on with that…hmm…

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I went up to Minneapolis this weekend. Holy crap, driving for that long in a car in an uncomfortable seat non stop! NOT OKAY! Anyways, it was very fun, I loved seeing some friends again, I miss them so. I also got to see someone very special to me whom I was worried about not seeing, but got to see more than I though I would =) I older brother came with me, and that was awkward, not to mention he has a tendency of talking without intelligence. Oh well. I work all the rest of this week, and I have two days off next week, but it’s okay, because I am supposed to be getting paid close to six hundred dollars on my next pay check, which will be SO nice. I think I might buy a newlab top, because mine right now seriously BLOWS! If so what one should I buy? Hmm…the dilemma. Conversations are nice, especially when the other person you are conversing with actually listens. ;-D I got a lot of things off my chest, good and not so much. I tried to emphasize the fact that I am not perfect, no one is perfect, and no one should ever expect anyone to be perfect. I also tried to emphasize the caring I have towards things, and the reasons behind them. Prada sunglasses 200 some dollars, Armani cologne 50 dollars, spending a weekend with people I lope…priceless.

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Work? What?

So I guess I got a job? Yeah, that is weird considering it is my first ever, but it actually went really well today. The only downfall is that we aren’t allowed to have our phones with us while we are on the clock, LAME!

This week has been fairly strange. Chalk full of people who I thought forgot about me, or didn’t care to talk to me. One certain individual I actually saw several times this week. He has been having problems with his sexuality and what not. Gosh, I am so glad that part of my life is over, and I know, more so than ever, who I am and what I want. I hope just talking has helped him figure it out, the poor guy. Oh well, there is nothing more that I can do, the rest is up to him and his choices.

So the advice that I was tlaking about earlier has actually been working fairly well. I mean yes it is fucking hard as hell, but you have to do what you have to do. I am going to keep this up and see how well it fairs at. Heart don’t fail me now, courage don’t desert me.

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